Miracle #16 - I Am Never Upset For The Reason I Think
Yesterday I was invited by a friend to try Yoga Nidra also known as sleeping yoga.
It was a refreshing experience that involved laying on the floor atop mats and swaddled in warm, felt blankets while the instructor led us on a one-hour guided meditation.
Prior to the meditation we were supposed to select an intention, or Sankalpa, that would be implanted into our minds at the subconscious level. My Sankalpa was to feel more prosperous and abundant - and less focused on scarcity, lack, or limitations.
After the yoga was over, I met up with my family for shopping and dinner.
While my daughter tried on swimsuits, I noticed some watches on sale and remembered that my son had recently lost his watch and mentioned that he wanted a new one. I took pics of all the watches on clearance, and sent them to my son, pleased with myself that I had would be able to fulfill his desire and afford a gift for him.
Then, he and my husband came over to the jewelry counter and selected a watch that cost 5 times more than the ones I had planned to purchase.
Immediately, I began to seethe inside. I protested this choice and started having these thoughts:
I'd had one sale in my eBay store that day for $9.00 and could not afford a $50.00 watch
My son has lost several watches and I did not want to pay $50.00 for another that he was likely to just lose
My husband always spoils the kids with extravagant gifts and makes me look like the "cheap" (and therefore, less caring) parent
The cashier rang the watch up and as I paid her, I felt like someone had kicked me in the gut.
I cried most of the way home.
I was disappointed that my plan to treat my son had been wrecked, and let down that I was feeling lacking instead of prosperous right after my yoga nidra.
This morning, however, as I was journaling my experience, a revelation came to me.
My anger, upset, and disappointment were not truly a result of any of the things mentioned above. They came from a place of feeling like my gift wasn't good enough.
I suddenly realized that the inability to feel prosperity in my life is tied to my childhood - specifically growing up in a family of perfectionists.
I was rewarded when I got good grades, behaved well, or excelled in some other way - never just for being me.
Although I knew my parents loved me, I only felt their pride in me when I accomplished things. My achievements were what mattered most - not my self.
Both the Bible and A Course in Miracles say that we were created in the image and likeness of God: perfect, whole, and complete.
Our "sin" is forgetting this fact and believing something else to be true.
This morning I had to forgive myself for believing that I was ever "not good enough".
We are never upset for the reason we think, but always upset for the same reason: because we have perceived ourselves as separate from God and feel guilty about it.
There is only one problem (perceived separation) and one solution (the atonement).
The atonement is the correction of our perception, so that we can see what is really there.
In my case, it involved realizing that I AM good enough, and couldn't be anything else, because I am a holy Son of God.
Atonement remedies the strange idea that it is possible to doubt yourself, and be unsure of what you really are. This is the depth of madness. Yet it is the universal question of the world. What does this mean except the world is mad? Why share in its madness in the sad belief that what is universal here is true? -- Workbook Lesson 139