Miracle #17 - Choosing Heaven Over Hell
Yesterday my ego decided to stage a 3-part-sneak-attack and, because I was not completely alert and attentive to the inner workings of my mind, it nearly derailed me.
The day started out blissfully. I awoke early, before it was light and did my morning ACIM lesson and meditation with coffee, then wrote 3 pages in my journal.
I was in a great mood, and was mentally patting myself on the back for having reached a place where I felt content and happy ALL THE TIME.
Then I called my prayer partner and it all went downhill.
We were having a lovely conversation, when suddenly she stated that she had to disagree with me about something - she did not believe that it was possible or realistic for someone to be happy ALL THE TIME.
I should have had a red flag go up when I heard the words "I'm sorry but I have to disagree with you".
My mind should have said: PAUSE - take a breath - ask Holy Spirit for the correct response.
But no, before I knew what had happened I decided to prove her wrong and engage in conflict.
The next thing I knew the conversation had gone bad, and I ended up texting an apology after we got off the phone and feeling crummy about it off and on all day.
Next I went to my Tai Chi class.
I enjoyed it very much, but after class I checked my phone and found 2 messages:
An email from our bank saying that we had been approved for a vehicle loan, and a message from some Ebay seller inviting my husband to come to Illinois and see the motorcycle that he has for sale.
Suddenly I felt livid!
Why was my husband buying a motorcycle behind my back?
Why was he financing another vehicle at the same time that I was working so hard to get our debts paid off?
I sat in my car and did the Choose Again exercise that Diederik Wolsak created to get to the bottom of my anger.
I found that a sense of betrayal had been lurking in mind since childhood over a small incident, and that every time my husband does something without telling me it flares up again.
Feeling calm again, I headed home.
As soon as my teenage daughter got to the house, she began ranting about her job and how she felt unappreciated and mistreated and upset with her boss.
Once again, I forgot to PAUSE - take a break - and ask the Holy Spirit for guidance.
Once again, I tried to reason with her, which just made her angrier.
Once again, I tried to fix the problem myself, instead of choosing not to resist but just accept.
By the time my husband came home from work, I was so exhausted and also in physical pain, that I just climbed into bed with all my clothes on and fell asleep.
This morning I awoke and thought about how I USED to live my life this way every day - arguing, resisting, fighting - and thinking that it was normal.
And how I used to feel exhausted ALL THE TIME.
Everything was a struggle.
Yesterday was a great experience for me to see the contrast between how miserable life is when I choose to do it my way, versus how relaxing and enjoyable it is when I remember to stop and ask the Holy Spirit for help.
Today I will remember to PAUSE - take a breath - and ask Holy Spirit for guidance in every decision.
Today I will not try to do it all by myself, because I know that will not lead to good results.
Happiness is a decision I must make.
Today I will choose happiness, peace, joy, and love, so that I can spend the day in heaven instead of in hell.
Choose once again if you would take your place among the Saviors of the world, or would remain in hell, and hold your brothers there.” - ACIM Text, Chapter 31, Section VIII